Behind the Scenes

I have hit my all-time high weight. I can't even force myself to get on the scale at the moment to actually see the full number staring back at me. I know that quick-fixes don't work and I need to work on some major life changes.

If I look at the last 18 months I can pinpoint some of the emotional blunders that have helped contribute to my weight. OK, some of the emotional baggage occurred before the 18 months; new job, constantly changing schedule, no sleep, high stress, my relationship with Ryan, and ultimately my miscarriage. Whew. That was all BEFORE I lost control of my eating completely.

So now it's time to start letting go of the more recent baggage that started with the horrible letter from (Lil) Dave. It's crazy for me to look back at all the stress (both good and bad) that came with the price of having a relationship with him. During the good times, it seemed so worth it. It always does right? But that final straw, the final closure letter that he wrote (more to prove something to Sandra then to actually finalize anything to me) still affects me more then I thought one sentence ever could. In the whole span of our relationship I had fluctuated between 3-5lbs up or down. With that being said, I found it shocking that he listed my "apathy for weight loss" as one of the main reasons he chose not to be with me any longer. I was OK with the idea that we just weren't meant to be. I have no delusions that everyone has to love me. I can handle a breakup and find peace of mind in any other normal circumstances but for some reason this particular sentence has sent me into a tailspin that I can't seem to pull out of.

Shortly after that breakup my father was hospitalized and had to have a triple bypass surgery. He is extremely obese and he had major complication after major complication. We nearly lost him several times. He was hospitalized for 6 weeks and I was by his side every moment that I wasn't at work. This helped fuel my poor eating habits since I strictly ate fast food on the run. It was my way to cope. I had to be the strong person in the family and keep a guard up so food became my outlet.

As soon as my father was finally released from the hospital and starting to function on his own I went back into the academy and back to stress stress stress. Not to mention that my schedule went back to changing every 4-weeks and sleeping was impossible without some sort of supplement. Have a bad training day? You deserve unhealthy foods!

Well, I have gotten to the point where I don't even want to face anyone anymore. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin that I don't want to go out. I don't want to spend time with friends. I don't want to date. I can't fit in my clothes.

The horrible breakup and my father's illness should have both been things that fuel me to become the healthiest "me".

I am tired of feeling this way. I realized that I have a binge eating addiction and it has to stop. I can't continue to live like this cause ultimately I'm not "living" at all.